Of Time and Change..

There are so many things that we often see and hear about - sometimes from people around us and some we watch in movies. Some are a given - mothers love, unconditional wife and lovers that always unite. Mostly we just accept that as the order of things - for everyone.

I always wondered if the things that make people emotional and more importantly unconditional in their love or hate will affect me in the same way. Motherhood is one such thing. I watched in awe as expectant mothers strutted in and out of hospitals, diners and movies - the bump looked so beautiful and they were always given special treatment. I couldn't wait to have my own and also dreamed of wearing fashionable maternity wear that would make my bump look cute. How wonderful it must be know that you are going to be a mom - it must be so much fun!

When i finally got pregnant, all my fantasies about pregnancy and maternity wear were put to rest. Its a great honor and privilege being able to grow a baby in your womb- something that is above anything I will ever experience . However, I discovered that while it looks enchanting, its not easy.  All the backaches, mood swings and re-fluxes put all your fancy pregnancy theories to rest. However, in the midst of a bad headache, I would feel a kick and smile; watching a baby would make me long for mine; I would feel happy  that my baby is moving and kicking every time i had an acid re-flux. 

Three years back, this night was the most momentous life of my life. It was the day i would find out what the fuss was about labor and motherhood. I was going to feel the might of what I had only read about and watched in movies up until then. After 14 hours of labor, screaming, crying and waiting, the time finally came.

I remember like it was yesterday, the doctor's voice saying ' congrats Jayshree, you have a beautiful baby boy' as she handed my baby to me.The first part of him that i saw were his feet - until then I had only been kicked by them. I was about to hold the one person in my hands whose size would have no connection whatsoever with his control over me , the only person that could elevate me to a level that is Mother - Thank You Shiv for choosing me - Happy Birthday and God Bless! I love that you are my baby! :)

When the heart takes over

There are times when we are stuck - between things that are apparent to the logical mind and the ones that we want to believe in. There are certain feelings that drive us into senselessness and sometimes we refuse to get that little hint that our mind tries to give us.

In reality the heart plays no role in our emotions. It does not have the power to do so. Its a play of hormones zig-zagging between signals that go to and forth the brain that controls our thoughts. So, technically we are not presented with a choice. Who cares, right?

How many times have you said 'I have a feeling about this', 'something is not right' and how many times have you paid heed to it? Does it really work- is intuition a magnification of the mistake we could have avoided?  I guess you know something isn't going to work out while you walk through that door. I also know that it's not always in your power to be rational and practical every step of the way.

I have come to realize that it's ok to do something stupid and completely insane sometimes. Some people and situations alter our frames of minds and we just cannot do anything about it. Its ok, lose it and dont feel bad about it. The very person lecturing you otherwise would have done it already!

Ever screamed so hard that your head hurt?

That moment in which we lose all control, when what we do is so ridiculously uncharacteristic. An angry scream, an annoyed expression, raising of the hand, tone and temper and at the peak of it all, tears! What causes it?

Some crazy things happen to us on a daily basis and we ignore it and put it behind us for the sake of maintaining peace in our lives. We tell ourselves that stress sis not good  for us, our health, minds and our kids and in my case, the baby in my tummy. We accept that some people are that way and our only hope at happiness is to ignore their craziness and not let it delve into our mindfulness. But does it really work that way?

Are we assuming that by doing so, there will be some change in the chain of events that cause us to believe we are above them? No, i don't believe so. Some people, situations and emotions don't change. While i am not the kind to give up on people, some have pushed me into that corner. Then the day comes when you have had it up to your neck. You don't care what words you use, what the other person will think or feels and how you come across in general.The result is a lot of screaming, finger pointing and the worst of them all bad blood.

I remain confused on how such emotions and situations need to be dealt with. No amount of prodding, sweet talking and attempts at making someone understand seem to work. I guess some relationships are doomed from the start and all one can do is try not to scream!!

Being a pregnant mommy & freaking out!

One of the most heart warming scenes I have witnessed is that of my son talking to my unborn child a.k.a my tummy. Again, it brings back to mind the marvels of being a child, the beautiful mind that is of a child - a mind that knows no ego no hatred and does not ever have to get even. It only makes things happen for itself and swims in the glory of the love around it.

Shiv (my sonny) hurt his eyes when i poked it by mistake. A simple stupid mistake on my part resulted in him crying for 3 hours straight and a visit to the doctor. The painful outcome for him (even more than the sore eye) was the eye drops prescribed to him. For me it was every time he cried in pain!

I was putting him down for his afternoon nap when he did the sweetest most magical thing. He lifted my tee and while staring at my tummy he said 'baby didi hurt came off for Rambo' and pointed at his sore eye; followed by crying - him and me both! After a while, once the pain n subsided he says 'pain GOOOONE , baby didi pusssh pain in balcony put it in timeout'. Its hard to put in words what i felt at that time!

My mom says the way Shiv talks to his toys he makes them come alive. Its true how a child puts life into everything it touches. A teddy has a name, a car has a color, a doll has a hairstyle and its favorite dress and a bus has its own song.  In Shiv's language, every time I am around my son, 'magic happens'. I pray to God this magic never ceases and I don't ever have to come out of this bubble called mommyhood!

I read an post on FB recently about a dog owner that left his dog on the roads of Delhi in the middle of the winters. The family was moving to UK and did not know what else to do. I wish I could personally whack the daylights out of them in the hopes of putting some sense into their head!!

Its news like this that I find myself unable to come out of. I just cant stop thinking about it!! It makes me wonder if its really possible for people to be so mean, so second-rate and unrelenting about anyone that makes them the center of their universe?? How can one be a dog parent and not understand how incredibly lucky they are to be loved the way they are?? Would they leave their child ont he roads because they cant handle them?

This and the parenting methods of some people makes me wish there was an certification in place for being one. One couple, parents of a 7month old come home after an evening of drinks and are so sleepy that they fail to notice their baby fall out of bed during the night, hurt her head and lose her eye-sight. It does not get more pitiful than this.

I do not proclaim to be the best dog/human parent but I can look anyone in the eye when I say I know the value of a child, human or not! I may not be a perfect parent but i value my children enough to know that they are MY responsibulity and its in my hands to turn my life into bliss or hell in the process of bringing them up. I choose the former and it beaks my heart when it has to happen any other way!

A lot of aspiring pet owners focus on the positive aspects of dog ownership, such as constant company, playing fun games, and having a pet as security for their homes. I would like to say this to anyone who wishes to adopt a pet, PLEASE READ THIS before your make a decision:

• Is everyone in the house in agreement with your decision?
• Can you afford to provide adequate care to the pet before bringing it home? Pets require regular examinations by vets and they need a detailed treatment plan in the event of sickness. make sure that you are fully prepared for such eventualities before you adopt a pet.
• Commitment is a major aspect of being a responsible pet parent. It may mean setting aside things you want to do so as to provide a good life and loving home for your pet.
• Are re you willing train, groom, exercise, feed, and provide companionship?

There is NO difference at all betwen raising a child and raising a pet. Unless you can love them equally do not adopt. You have your life, your job and your family - your pet has only YOU.  He needs your love and care like a fussy toddler vying for attention. He will bark for attention/love/care of you fail to give it to him (and he deserves much more) - Remember he cant speak.

If one dos not have the time, patience and love that a pet or a child requires, please DO NOT spoil their life by bringing  them home. They say that Dogs  are angels that God sent with a note saying 'don't judge, just Love', they ate the note but keep trying to deliver the message! Love them please, they deserve it!!

Do you recognize an angel when you see one? 

If silence is worth a million words, then animals are proof that it is indeed true. Its in the air, their unswerving  love and acceptance of their human parents. No expectations, no ego, no knowledge of whats right and wrong for them - just pure love, its almost divine! In the animal's mind, he/she loves you and that's all that matters. Can we say the same for the supreme human beings we are supposed to be, with that extra sense?

Rocky came into my arms a mere 35 days old and has made me aware of what real LOVE is.  A naughty boy that he is - in times of distress, when I have been hurt or angry - his face on my lap always told me mamma don't worry. He irks me too when he tugs at my feet with a ball in his mouth at the end of a tiring day when all I want to do is rest. But he is such a doll, he gets it and lays down himself.

He is in Pune with his dad now and am in Chennai and I miss him terribly. I miss his vibrant presence, his puppy doggie expressions and his barks for attention. Sometimes i just miss talking to him.Sometimes i miss watching him sleep peacefully while i type away at my laptop.. At other times, I miss watching his face light up at the thought of getting a treat. Its never easy being away from someone you Love.

A hug from you is worth a million unspoken words - Miss you Rocky and cant wait to get to Pune and see you at the door, ball in your mouth wag in your tail - Missing you never gets easier..LOVE you my puppy baby!!!

Moments we live by and for....

Ever have an insanely emotional moment - the ones we assume happen only in mushy movies?; Like watching your baby sound asleep, when you shout at your dog and he still curls up on your lap or when your husband is late for work and runs across the hall for a quick peck on your pregnant  tummy?

In the midst of dodging traffic on the way to work, living up to deadlines and wondering what to make for dinner, we make important decisions. Some of these are simple choices that have the potential to make our lives miserable or fulfilling, depending on how we see it.

I have a 2 yr old son and a baby on the way. I work a full time job which means my son has to go to day care and spends a mere 3 hours at home with me. Do I quit so I can spend more time with him and take better care of him or do I work so I can build a secure future for him? Do I go to mom's so I have less to do at this time or do I stay back as long as possible so my husband does not have to be alone? I dont know!

When my mind is battling all this in the background, my son tugs at my feet and says mamma 'carrayuu' (carry me) and hugs me tight when i do. He even obliges a kiss when I ask for it. Its moments like these that we live by. Every time I sit down with Shiv, Rocky sits on my feet, his back resting on my leg so I caress his head. At this point, nothing matters. I dont care how tired I am or how irritating it is to divide your attention evenly between your dog and your son without hurting either.

There are a million such moments everyday! We are just too tired or stressed out to see them, cliched but true. It pays nothing to feel sorry for yourself or to live in denial. Take a walk, love your family and make evry small kiss, hug and smile count - these are blessings taht only lucky people come by to appreciate.

Am gonna go kiss my sleeping son now, maybe hubby will follow! :D

Stuck on you...

Ever had someone stick to your mind? The one person you cannot forget and always forgive? If I guess right, this person would also be the one that hurt you bad. Someone come to mind? :)

Science and scriptures (any non-science - so many these days) fascinate and answer questions, some of which are beyond the conjuring capacity of  our minds. But there are some things that  happen because they do and there is no psychological or scientific logic to it. Why a mother will kill for her child  without a moment's hesitation while some animals eat their young; how a girl leaves her house of many long years in love with a man she met a year or two ago and calls it her own, how a child automatically lips 'mamma' when he needs something and how we feel incapacitated by our feelings for some people no matter how horrid they really are. 

What about Love? Is it just a whole lot of hormones dong their job? A lover's mind is the ultimate paradox!

No matter what you do or say

I have always been this way

Not your unkempt life 

Nor your empty promises

Have ever had my mind in sway

We just cant seem to get over some people. Our lives go on as usual, husband kid job and the works. It does not imply that we spend hours thinking about them or device plans to stalk them or get them back.But when they call, email or text us, that adrenaline shot is inevitable. We hate them and love them at the same time and will still agree to go out and meet them. Whatever happened to logic, self-esteem and ego, I wish I knew.Some may argue a case of sour grapes but please, I have had better and I aint calling it sour either.

I guess we just let laying dogs be and throw them a bite from time to time! :)

My Daddy & Me

My dad sent me an email today with 2 documents with stories in it. The subject read : 'You can open these using Word'. It made me smile and inspired this post. It also reminded me of how one of my colleagues once told me his little girl was visiting him the coming week. I smiled the very same smile then when he added that his grand-daughter would be bringing her boy-friend along to meet him. Sometimes we foget how cute our fathers really are!! :)

Much is spoken about the mother's love, tenderness and care for her children. I bow to that, being blessed with a mom who is a dream come true. However, it is also true that fathers are as big heroes as moms - its just that its not obvious to the senses.

  My dad with my son

My dad and I were like 2 positive poles - mom said it looked like we had swords in our hands every time we spoke to each other or argued. My opinion was that he did not love me which is why we fought and he never let me do what i wanted. I couldn't stay out late, wear short clothes or speak on the phone after 9pm. My curfew always ended at least 2 hours before that of my friends and it irked me so much! I was SO right and he was SO wrong - is what I though back then.

A few years later, while living alone, I met with an accident in the middle of the night. I woke up in a hospital, adding to my misery was the fact that I wearing a short skirt and people thought I was a 'bad' girl (still a cliche in some parts of India to wear short clothes). I was petrified, my dad was going to kill me!!

My dad n mom flew out on the first flight and took me back home. Nobody asked me why or discussed the 'whats' and the 'ifs' of the situation. They took care of me till I recovered fully. My dad said - I don't want to know how this happened, just promise me you wont do it again! It still brings tears to my eyes and sends jitters down my spine when I think back on this situation in my life. he was SO hurt, not angry, not judgmental not thinking I told you so', just very HURT.

I realize today that I never saw my father's soft side or understood his love for me. I dint see that behind my smiling mom, behind her visits to me that extended to months and the fact that I never had to wish I had something because I already did, was my dad. I did not see that he was not ordering me around but making sure I did not hurt myself when I was grown up, on my own. I realize that had he not grounded me, limited what I could do and have and made sure i was always in my best manners no matter where I was, that I would not be a stable, normal, happy person today. i would not have had the life I have or the relationships I treasure so much.

Times have changed and we get along perfectly well now. We are like good friends. He even sends me stories with instructions on how to open them ;)

My Angel, my Son, my Doggie, my Rocky baby....

Having a pet is one of those things that you just cannot figure out unless you the lucky parent of one. For most, dogs are either scary or they cant imagine for the life of them why someone would have one. I was once one of those...I was petrified of dogs..till i brought home Rocky baby.

It took me almost a year of convincing my husband that I wanted a dog. When the pet shop guy put 6 puppies in the boot of our car for us to look at, one lil fella squeezed in through the back set and conducted 'business' there and stared oops with his Blue eyes. I knew I wanted him!

Being Stallone fans, we named him Rocky (Rambo is my human Son's pet name) and I could hold him in my forearm, he was all of 35 days.

 

I can confidently say now that it was like I just had a baby. Rubber sheets, sleepless nights during which we took turns singing to him, his snuggling up in the bed, constant 'bowowow'. Mainly, he would only sleep when we all had. When left alone for a couple of hours, we would return home wondering what he would have done this time. From pooping in any place to picking up packets from the kitchen to biting my brand new shoes - our ritual consisted of sanitizing/cleaning the house every time we got back home while one person held him and played with him! 

Rocky is 4 years old now and I still cry when he falls sick, feel jitters up my spine every time i hear of a pet passing away, pat him after he has dozed off to sleep and call him my baby doll. I remember his first walk, his first pair of shoes ( that he spent so much time trying t get rd of), his first doggie party, his first prize and how he ran to me every time he called out 'baby'. He loves me for what I am and I am not, rushes to my side when i am home and does not judge me.

Shiv and rocky are like two peas in a pod. I am SO proud of Rocky for how he treats Shiv with soo soo soo much kindness and consideration. I wish Shiv does the same for Rocky soon :)

If there is an afterlife, i pray to God that Rocky is my human son - not because he is any less dear to me than Shiv but because I want to be able to give him anything he wants to eat, have him snuggle up against me every night, call me mamma, to be able to take him out and buy him toys and not have people tell me in parks that dogs are not welcome.

I don't know when or how I got myself a son. My angel, my pet, my Rocky baby - Thank You God for being kind to me!!

Being in a Love-Hate relationship called MOM..

Its one of those things that can make you as frustrated and angry as can make you ecstatic and give you the 'on-the-top-of-the-world feeling. Being a mother (i believe 'good mother' is an oxymoron) is nothing short of a mother-in-law -daughter-in-law comedy inerspersed between mushy movie moments (where love fills the air in the enchanted land of happy people) and always ends in a smile as I tuck Shiv into bed.

I love my son to death and hold him in my heart. He is my first-born and the fuel of my life.

He drives me mad with his energy and settles it all with a fake cry of 'mammma', his hands stretched forward.What can i do other than pick him up and feel sorry for making him cry. As he rests his tiny head on my shoulder and stokes my arm, I know my mommy heart is beating the hell out of my mortal brain.

He comes charging at me from school, strokes my face and stares into my eyes and smiles, says louuu you mamma, recites rhymes while eating half the words, hugs me while resting his head on my chest enveloping me in a giant hug and smiles as soon as he wakes up each morning happy to see me - how can i make sure this little person cannot manipulate me. How do i try to remind myself that just a few minutes back i was fuming mad at his insistence on skipping dinner and the accompanying throw of the spoon landing food all over the table and my jacket.. The answer is 'ha ha nice try'! :)

It amazes me the power than these tiny beings have in our life. How a woman transforms into some thing she never thought she ever would be - patient, unconditional in her love and the ultimate defender of her child. I, for one had the most voracious temper and people wouldn't dare mention patience to me. I will never know where all the stamina and will-power stems from. I will never know how a child can make your parents and husband of many years take second place in life; why i would do it all over again if i had to; How holding him in my arms for the first time made irrelevant 16 hours of labor pains; and at what point i placed my life secondary to that of my son. 

All i know is that he made possible my dream of being a mom and nothing I do or say will ever be enough for that honor. Thank You Shiv for choosing me to be your mother! I louuuu you too! :)