SO clueless

There are days when I am not sure how I feel. Evr had those days when your mind is in a rush and your feelings are all over the place!! Maybe something happened that triggered this madness you may ask and I wish I could say yes. Its like trying to solve a mystery,  only you have no clues.

I read this story about Raavan and how he was the biggest follower of lord Shiva. It brings to mind the differences in perception.  An evil man that fought the lord and the most selfless worshipper there was. Every time I hear someone say hey what problem could he have he is rich has kids and a huge house, I wonder what inside battle that person might be fighting.  What we infer is sometime miles apart from the truth.

I miss my parents and cant believe what a random post this is but its just my flow of thoughts n not a thought out article.

Every one is fighting a battle whether or not the outsider catches it. In every person is a cry out very very different from what he is supposed to be according to be everyone else. its just too hard to understand this that its usually overlooked.

Of Time and Change..

There are so many things that we often see and hear about - sometimes from people around us and some we watch in movies. Some are a given - mothers love, unconditional wife and lovers that always unite. Mostly we just accept that as the order of things - for everyone.

I always wondered if the things that make people emotional and more importantly unconditional in their love or hate will affect me in the same way. Motherhood is one such thing. I watched in awe as expectant mothers strutted in and out of hospitals, diners and movies - the bump looked so beautiful and they were always given special treatment. I couldn't wait to have my own and also dreamed of wearing fashionable maternity wear that would make my bump look cute. How wonderful it must be know that you are going to be a mom - it must be so much fun!

When i finally got pregnant, all my fantasies about pregnancy and maternity wear were put to rest. Its a great honor and privilege being able to grow a baby in your womb- something that is above anything I will ever experience . However, I discovered that while it looks enchanting, its not easy.  All the backaches, mood swings and re-fluxes put all your fancy pregnancy theories to rest. However, in the midst of a bad headache, I would feel a kick and smile; watching a baby would make me long for mine; I would feel happy  that my baby is moving and kicking every time i had an acid re-flux. 

Three years back, this night was the most momentous life of my life. It was the day i would find out what the fuss was about labor and motherhood. I was going to feel the might of what I had only read about and watched in movies up until then. After 14 hours of labor, screaming, crying and waiting, the time finally came.

I remember like it was yesterday, the doctor's voice saying ' congrats Jayshree, you have a beautiful baby boy' as she handed my baby to me.The first part of him that i saw were his feet - until then I had only been kicked by them. I was about to hold the one person in my hands whose size would have no connection whatsoever with his control over me , the only person that could elevate me to a level that is Mother - Thank You Shiv for choosing me - Happy Birthday and God Bless! I love that you are my baby! :)

When the heart takes over

There are times when we are stuck - between things that are apparent to the logical mind and the ones that we want to believe in. There are certain feelings that drive us into senselessness and sometimes we refuse to get that little hint that our mind tries to give us.

In reality the heart plays no role in our emotions. It does not have the power to do so. Its a play of hormones zig-zagging between signals that go to and forth the brain that controls our thoughts. So, technically we are not presented with a choice. Who cares, right?

How many times have you said 'I have a feeling about this', 'something is not right' and how many times have you paid heed to it? Does it really work- is intuition a magnification of the mistake we could have avoided?  I guess you know something isn't going to work out while you walk through that door. I also know that it's not always in your power to be rational and practical every step of the way.

I have come to realize that it's ok to do something stupid and completely insane sometimes. Some people and situations alter our frames of minds and we just cannot do anything about it. Its ok, lose it and dont feel bad about it. The very person lecturing you otherwise would have done it already!

Ever screamed so hard that your head hurt?

That moment in which we lose all control, when what we do is so ridiculously uncharacteristic. An angry scream, an annoyed expression, raising of the hand, tone and temper and at the peak of it all, tears! What causes it?

Some crazy things happen to us on a daily basis and we ignore it and put it behind us for the sake of maintaining peace in our lives. We tell ourselves that stress sis not good  for us, our health, minds and our kids and in my case, the baby in my tummy. We accept that some people are that way and our only hope at happiness is to ignore their craziness and not let it delve into our mindfulness. But does it really work that way?

Are we assuming that by doing so, there will be some change in the chain of events that cause us to believe we are above them? No, i don't believe so. Some people, situations and emotions don't change. While i am not the kind to give up on people, some have pushed me into that corner. Then the day comes when you have had it up to your neck. You don't care what words you use, what the other person will think or feels and how you come across in general.The result is a lot of screaming, finger pointing and the worst of them all bad blood.

I remain confused on how such emotions and situations need to be dealt with. No amount of prodding, sweet talking and attempts at making someone understand seem to work. I guess some relationships are doomed from the start and all one can do is try not to scream!!

Being a pregnant mommy & freaking out!

One of the most heart warming scenes I have witnessed is that of my son talking to my unborn child a.k.a my tummy. Again, it brings back to mind the marvels of being a child, the beautiful mind that is of a child - a mind that knows no ego no hatred and does not ever have to get even. It only makes things happen for itself and swims in the glory of the love around it.

Shiv (my sonny) hurt his eyes when i poked it by mistake. A simple stupid mistake on my part resulted in him crying for 3 hours straight and a visit to the doctor. The painful outcome for him (even more than the sore eye) was the eye drops prescribed to him. For me it was every time he cried in pain!

I was putting him down for his afternoon nap when he did the sweetest most magical thing. He lifted my tee and while staring at my tummy he said 'baby didi hurt came off for Rambo' and pointed at his sore eye; followed by crying - him and me both! After a while, once the pain n subsided he says 'pain GOOOONE , baby didi pusssh pain in balcony put it in timeout'. Its hard to put in words what i felt at that time!

My mom says the way Shiv talks to his toys he makes them come alive. Its true how a child puts life into everything it touches. A teddy has a name, a car has a color, a doll has a hairstyle and its favorite dress and a bus has its own song.  In Shiv's language, every time I am around my son, 'magic happens'. I pray to God this magic never ceases and I don't ever have to come out of this bubble called mommyhood!