Sunday November 25th will be a day that will be etched in my memories forever. I think a part of me died on this day. It was a day of heartbreak and shaken faith; a day that begged more questions than it provided answers to. No amount of self-control or prep talk seemed to save the day - i knew that this day will break me and there is nothing i can do to stop it.

You know how you wake up on a Sunday, everything is normal and you go about your day like you always do but there is a nagging feeling in your gut that you are working hard to ignore. I don't want to acknowledge that there is something out there that does not feel right - i want my gut to be wrong, for once! 

Then it hits you- but it starts small. I felt like okay, i knew this day would come but it shall be handled. What more than love and faith do i need to get through a day - any day. I realized today that faith is something that once it breaks, it breaks you. It is like the last shred of a rope that you hang on to when everything else is seemingly falling apart. It is like the lat few dollars in your saving account that you know you have should you get broke or the charging pad that you carry around should you phone battery die. When everything that can go wrong, does and it carries with it every backup you have planned, it shatters you and the same faith that you lived your whole entire life holding on to, seems to slowly slip away - that is my version of what hell feels like.

I am not a crier - I have done it so much that now it has lost its value on me. I am not one of the ' i ' have been through so much and therefore i know so much and hence i am special' kind of people. Everyone you know i know, is fighting a battle that only they know about - regardless of how they look, dress, how much money they have or how much they laugh. I just feel like my whole life has been a battleground - divorce, emotional abuse, courts and cases, back breaking car accident, countless meaningless relationships - endless yrs of waiting for this cycle to end. 

I am not perfect but i am a good person - i care about people i love, i used to be able to trust people and treat them well. I just feel like in every stage of my life, i am made to go to battle. Even now, i gave time, i gave space and i was as patient as i could be as a human being. I wonder if my purpose in life is to give and to build and to give others strength; cause its all i seem to do. It feels like its never my turn to get, to be in a position where i can say this is what i want, life is good. I cannot seem to be able to catch a break, life is throwing daggers my way; as soon as i turn my back from one problem - here is another! 

My friends and people who know me well say- Jay you are a strong person and so positive , you will be fine. NO i am not fine. For once i don't want to be strong, i dont want to be the fixer, i dont want to be the one who 'understands' everyone and everything, i do not want to be the person everyone takes for granted because hey she is strong! I dont want to be effing strong i do not want to understand everything i do not want to pep talk anyone i do not want to be the one that gets kicked to the curb because, hey i am strong and i can handle it.

Maybe i should have put my foot down, removed that armor of strength and understanding i wear all the damn time. Maybe i should have not allowed myself to be an option, someone you can lean on and someone you can draw strength from till you can deal with people who dont give you a choice in life.  Maybe i should give myself some of the love that i freely give others. 

I have cried non-stop on this day; it has been a day when tears never stopped forming in my eyes and there was nothing that could stop/change that. I felt miserable,taken for granted and i hated myself for being as understanding as i always am. I wished i had been a little more selfish for myself. I walked around hoping that somehow some air and some music will soothe my stretched out soul. But no, nothing helps today. I lost some of my faith today and i will never get back that part of me that died today - the part that believed in people, the part that whispered ' its gonna be alrite' in my ears , the part that loved endlessly. 

Today changed me as a person - crying till your eyes hurt and your vision is blurry really takes it out of you. I dont think i will be able to be as forgiving and understanding as i was till today. I will work on getting my faith back, but right now it lays here shattered and bruised.  I do not know what is in store for me - and i have nobody to go and hug it out. I hate it and what i hate more is the gut wrenching fact that i am not able to shake it off.