Sunday November 25th will be a day that will be etched in my memories forever. I think a part of me died on this day. It was a day of heartbreak and shaken faith; a day that begged more questions than it provided answers to. No amount of self-control or prep talk seemed to save the day - i knew that this day will break me and there is nothing i can do to stop it.

You know how you wake up on a Sunday, everything is normal and you go about your day like you always do but there is a nagging feeling in your gut that you are working hard to ignore. I don't want to acknowledge that there is something out there that does not feel right - i want my gut to be wrong, for once! 

Then it hits you- but it starts small. I felt like okay, i knew this day would come but it shall be handled. What more than love and faith do i need to get through a day - any day. I realized today that faith is something that once it breaks, it breaks you. It is like the last shred of a rope that you hang on to when everything else is seemingly falling apart. It is like the lat few dollars in your saving account that you know you have should you get broke or the charging pad that you carry around should you phone battery die. When everything that can go wrong, does and it carries with it every backup you have planned, it shatters you and the same faith that you lived your whole entire life holding on to, seems to slowly slip away - that is my version of what hell feels like.

I am not a crier - I have done it so much that now it has lost its value on me. I am not one of the ' i ' have been through so much and therefore i know so much and hence i am special' kind of people. Everyone you know i know, is fighting a battle that only they know about - regardless of how they look, dress, how much money they have or how much they laugh. I just feel like my whole life has been a battleground - divorce, emotional abuse, courts and cases, back breaking car accident, countless meaningless relationships - endless yrs of waiting for this cycle to end. 

I am not perfect but i am a good person - i care about people i love, i used to be able to trust people and treat them well. I just feel like in every stage of my life, i am made to go to battle. Even now, i gave time, i gave space and i was as patient as i could be as a human being. I wonder if my purpose in life is to give and to build and to give others strength; cause its all i seem to do. It feels like its never my turn to get, to be in a position where i can say this is what i want, life is good. I cannot seem to be able to catch a break, life is throwing daggers my way; as soon as i turn my back from one problem - here is another! 

My friends and people who know me well say- Jay you are a strong person and so positive , you will be fine. NO i am not fine. For once i don't want to be strong, i dont want to be the fixer, i dont want to be the one who 'understands' everyone and everything, i do not want to be the person everyone takes for granted because hey she is strong! I dont want to be effing strong i do not want to understand everything i do not want to pep talk anyone i do not want to be the one that gets kicked to the curb because, hey i am strong and i can handle it.

Maybe i should have put my foot down, removed that armor of strength and understanding i wear all the damn time. Maybe i should have not allowed myself to be an option, someone you can lean on and someone you can draw strength from till you can deal with people who dont give you a choice in life.  Maybe i should give myself some of the love that i freely give others. 

I have cried non-stop on this day; it has been a day when tears never stopped forming in my eyes and there was nothing that could stop/change that. I felt miserable,taken for granted and i hated myself for being as understanding as i always am. I wished i had been a little more selfish for myself. I walked around hoping that somehow some air and some music will soothe my stretched out soul. But no, nothing helps today. I lost some of my faith today and i will never get back that part of me that died today - the part that believed in people, the part that whispered ' its gonna be alrite' in my ears , the part that loved endlessly. 

Today changed me as a person - crying till your eyes hurt and your vision is blurry really takes it out of you. I dont think i will be able to be as forgiving and understanding as i was till today. I will work on getting my faith back, but right now it lays here shattered and bruised.  I do not know what is in store for me - and i have nobody to go and hug it out. I hate it and what i hate more is the gut wrenching fact that i am not able to shake it off. 

To breathe to live to understand..

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself, to know you are a good person and that you deserve a good life. Sometimes its important that you realize that not everything will work out the way you wanted it to; that what was meant to be will stay and what was not, you have to let go. Its essential you understand that you don't control everything, that people will love you, betray you, hurt you, make you feel special, love you like crazy and forget you - but it has nothing to do with the person that you are. 

Sometimes you have to tell yourself that you are your own person, that you don't need anybody's approval to be good enough;You have nothing to do with the fact that someone rejected you or took you for granted and that it has everything to do with their own insecurities, emotional conjugations and needs. You should not be the only one fighting for love and if you have to, walk away simply because you want to do yourself the favor of trusting yourself to make the right choices. Sometimes its important you realize that trusting yourself is more important that trusting the choice that others make of you.

Sometimes, you should know that not everything is meant to be; not every relationship is going to become something enduring and beautiful. Some people come into your life to make it better just for that moment, to teach us what we can be, to walk a while with us to ease our pain, to sit over drinks and spill our hearts to, to show us that we are beautiful and worthy of love, to make the minutes that we are together something we will never forget and to teach you to love yourself. Some may stay some may leave but you have to keep going and be thankful for what they have given you.

Sometimes you look at a beautiful, wealthy woman dressed to the tee, maids in tow, beautiful children, handsome husband riding in the car of your dreams; maybe she looks like she is living the life of your dreams. Only she knows the battles she is fighting; that the perfect mascara does no justice to her sad eyes, that her red lipstick only reflects how dark and deep her life is, that she is so beautiful she doesn't need makeup but only makeup can hide the lines under her eyes; only she knows her inner demons. I have stopped judging people and their lives by how they look; it does no justice. Unless you have walked in the shoes, don't blame the heels for the pain!

Sometimes its hard to hide, to pretend that everything is rosy, to smile when you don't want to, to march on when all you want to do is break down and cry, to show strength when you feel like you will collapse. I guess you have to un-hide, stop trying to be that ideal person (mom/wife/friend,daughter, employee...), start knowing that all that stress is a result of hiding. Allow yourself the freedom to be weak, to cry when you are sad and to brace up when you have to. Its not easy and I know it!

Sometimes you have to remind yourself - I may not be the best, but I am trying my best!

Oh sweet sister of mine...

Having a sister is like having a pet - you have no clue how much it magnifies the quality of your life till you have one. My sister - my twin soul, my personal psychiatrist cum counselor, my mom sometimes, my BFF and most definitely my soul mate - I miss her so much!

Your eyes they see my fears
Your hands break my fall
You hear not only my words
Your heart, it feels my soul!

Oh, I wanna be with you
No husband no children
All alone, just me and you
Life would be perfect then!

I wanna tell you i miss u
That i cant wait to kiss you
Hug you till my heart is full
I wanna tell you i love you!

I wanna have coffee with you
Cook your favorite food for you
I wanna light up a smoke for you
Oh i just wanna be with you..

I wanna lay down next to you
I miss chatting all night with you
Meaninglessly laughing with you
I SO miss holding your finger
I miss sleeping next to you!

My sister my friend my heartbeat
Life would be so boring without you
I miss not having you down the street
I hate living so far away from you!

You get me like nobody ever has
You care for me like i am a baby
You catch my lies, u r badass (;) yes you are)
You don't judge me, u let me be..

You hear the noise in my silence
Feel the hurt behind my strength
Only you can make full sense
Of all i do, in all its lengths..

I thank God for you, hope he showers his choicest blessings on you. I hope he moves you out of that stupid continent, right where i can be with you! Muah! :)

I wish you  would go away
Forget me leave me alone
But with me you always stay
Leaving me sad and forlorn

 You linger around like a cloud
And I just cant shake you off
Oh you must feel so proud
Wish you would just take off!

You have been around so much
that you now feel like a friend
Its a very hard feeling as such
But your time you always lend..

Oh misery,my good old friend
For just a while i ask thee
Can you someone else find
And stay away from me!

To breathe to live to understand..

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself, to know you are a good person and that you deserve a good life. Sometimes its important that you realize that not everything will work out the way you wanted it to; that what was meant to be will stay and what was not, you have to let go. Its essential you understand that you don't control everything, that people will love you, betray you, hurt you, make you feel special, love you like crazy and forget you - but it has nothing to do with the person that you are. 

Sometimes you have to tell yourself that you are your own person, that you don't need anybody's approval to be good enough;You have nothing to do with the fact that someone rejected you or took you for granted and that it has everything to do with their own insecurities, emotional conjugations and needs. You should not be the only one fighting for love and if you have to, walk away simply because you want to do yourself the favor of trusting yourself to make the right choices. Sometimes its important you realize that trusting yourself is more important that trusting the choice that others make of you.

Sometimes, you should know that not everything is meant to be; not every relationship is going to become something enduring and beautiful. Some people come into your life to make it better just for that moment, to teach us what we can be, to walk a while with us to ease our pain, to sit over drinks and spill our hearts to, to show us that we are beautiful and worthy of love, to make the minutes that we are together something we will never forget and to teach you to love yourself. Some may stay some may leave but you have to keep going and be thankful for what they have given you.

Sometimes you look at a beautiful, wealthy woman dressed to the tee, maids in tow, beautiful children, handsome husband riding in the car of your dreams; maybe she looks like she is living the life of your dreams. Only she knows the battles she is fighting; that the perfect mascara does no justice to her sad eyes, that her red lipstick only reflects how dark and deep her life is, that she is so beautiful she doesn't need makeup but only makeup can hide the lines under her eyes; only she knows her inner demons. I have stopped judging people and their lives by how they look; it does no justice. Unless you have walked in the shoes, don't blame the heels for the pain!

Sometimes its hard to hide, to pretend that everything is rosy, to smile when you don't want to, to march on when all you want to do is break down and cry, to show strength when you feel like you will collapse. I guess you have to un-hide, stop trying to be that ideal person (mom/wife/friend,daughter, employee...), start knowing that all that stress is a result of hiding. Allow yourself the freedom to be weak, to cry when you are sad and to brace up when you have to. Its not easy and I know it!

I may not be the best, but I am trying my best!

The road trip that's life

This road trip that's life

Its hours of drive

Of countless days

And sleepless nights

I strive to keep moving

Tell myself it's normal

I trip I walk I run

I try to keep up..

But it gets harder

breeze turns to storm

The road below me

seems so worn out..

I am no pessimist

I remind my soul

But I just cannot

Run this race alone..

I call out to the Gods 

In the heavens high above

Lower your gaze sometimes

Please give me cover...

Fleeting thoughts

It's a wonder how we sometimes yearn for the most basic pleasures of life. Things that are usually taken for granted,  situations that others seem to find nothing unusual or meritorious about! Its amazing  how family takes a backseat in the  process It's a wonder how we sometimes yearn for the most basic pleasures of life making a living, ironically for the family!!

Some  situations that are runnin into becoming part of the  quickly deteriorating  race are Spending quality time with the kids/spouse, setting  routines for children, Watching tv together without ppl delving into their personal smartphones/iPads/laptop fun conversations over a cup of coffee, Spending holidays together and the excitement of festival shoppin.

The one thing I miss most from my childhood memories is having dinner with the entire family. I also miss the excitement of traveling by train and looking starry eyed at the prospect of spending summer holidays with the grandparents.

I always thought work was a part of life but some people make life a part of  their work (whose significance manifolds with each passing quarter). When I saw my dad come home in the evenings, I assumed my husband would too. When I saw my mom playing with me and cooking and helping me with my studies, I grew up to believe I would have the same opportunities in life. When I went out to play everyday I assumed my kids would too. when we shopped with super excitement for Diwali I assumed my new family would too!! Turns out,this and many other such thoughts are now redundant and I am just an idiot 

SO clueless

There are days when I am not sure how I feel. Evr had those days when your mind is in a rush and your feelings are all over the place!! Maybe something happened that triggered this madness you may ask and I wish I could say yes. Its like trying to solve a mystery,  only you have no clues.

I read this story about Raavan and how he was the biggest follower of lord Shiva. It brings to mind the differences in perception.  An evil man that fought the lord and the most selfless worshipper there was. Every time I hear someone say hey what problem could he have he is rich has kids and a huge house, I wonder what inside battle that person might be fighting.  What we infer is sometime miles apart from the truth.

I miss my parents and cant believe what a random post this is but its just my flow of thoughts n not a thought out article.

Every one is fighting a battle whether or not the outsider catches it. In every person is a cry out very very different from what he is supposed to be according to be everyone else. its just too hard to understand this that its usually overlooked.

Of Time and Change..

There are so many things that we often see and hear about - sometimes from people around us and some we watch in movies. Some are a given - mothers love, unconditional wife and lovers that always unite. Mostly we just accept that as the order of things - for everyone.

I always wondered if the things that make people emotional and more importantly unconditional in their love or hate will affect me in the same way. Motherhood is one such thing. I watched in awe as expectant mothers strutted in and out of hospitals, diners and movies - the bump looked so beautiful and they were always given special treatment. I couldn't wait to have my own and also dreamed of wearing fashionable maternity wear that would make my bump look cute. How wonderful it must be know that you are going to be a mom - it must be so much fun!

When i finally got pregnant, all my fantasies about pregnancy and maternity wear were put to rest. Its a great honor and privilege being able to grow a baby in your womb- something that is above anything I will ever experience . However, I discovered that while it looks enchanting, its not easy.  All the backaches, mood swings and re-fluxes put all your fancy pregnancy theories to rest. However, in the midst of a bad headache, I would feel a kick and smile; watching a baby would make me long for mine; I would feel happy  that my baby is moving and kicking every time i had an acid re-flux. 

Three years back, this night was the most momentous life of my life. It was the day i would find out what the fuss was about labor and motherhood. I was going to feel the might of what I had only read about and watched in movies up until then. After 14 hours of labor, screaming, crying and waiting, the time finally came.

I remember like it was yesterday, the doctor's voice saying ' congrats Jayshree, you have a beautiful baby boy' as she handed my baby to me.The first part of him that i saw were his feet - until then I had only been kicked by them. I was about to hold the one person in my hands whose size would have no connection whatsoever with his control over me , the only person that could elevate me to a level that is Mother - Thank You Shiv for choosing me - Happy Birthday and God Bless! I love that you are my baby! :)

When the heart takes over

There are times when we are stuck - between things that are apparent to the logical mind and the ones that we want to believe in. There are certain feelings that drive us into senselessness and sometimes we refuse to get that little hint that our mind tries to give us.

In reality the heart plays no role in our emotions. It does not have the power to do so. Its a play of hormones zig-zagging between signals that go to and forth the brain that controls our thoughts. So, technically we are not presented with a choice. Who cares, right?

How many times have you said 'I have a feeling about this', 'something is not right' and how many times have you paid heed to it? Does it really work- is intuition a magnification of the mistake we could have avoided?  I guess you know something isn't going to work out while you walk through that door. I also know that it's not always in your power to be rational and practical every step of the way.

I have come to realize that it's ok to do something stupid and completely insane sometimes. Some people and situations alter our frames of minds and we just cannot do anything about it. Its ok, lose it and dont feel bad about it. The very person lecturing you otherwise would have done it already!

Ever screamed so hard that your head hurt?

That moment in which we lose all control, when what we do is so ridiculously uncharacteristic. An angry scream, an annoyed expression, raising of the hand, tone and temper and at the peak of it all, tears! What causes it?

Some crazy things happen to us on a daily basis and we ignore it and put it behind us for the sake of maintaining peace in our lives. We tell ourselves that stress sis not good  for us, our health, minds and our kids and in my case, the baby in my tummy. We accept that some people are that way and our only hope at happiness is to ignore their craziness and not let it delve into our mindfulness. But does it really work that way?

Are we assuming that by doing so, there will be some change in the chain of events that cause us to believe we are above them? No, i don't believe so. Some people, situations and emotions don't change. While i am not the kind to give up on people, some have pushed me into that corner. Then the day comes when you have had it up to your neck. You don't care what words you use, what the other person will think or feels and how you come across in general.The result is a lot of screaming, finger pointing and the worst of them all bad blood.

I remain confused on how such emotions and situations need to be dealt with. No amount of prodding, sweet talking and attempts at making someone understand seem to work. I guess some relationships are doomed from the start and all one can do is try not to scream!!

Being a pregnant mommy & freaking out!

One of the most heart warming scenes I have witnessed is that of my son talking to my unborn child a.k.a my tummy. Again, it brings back to mind the marvels of being a child, the beautiful mind that is of a child - a mind that knows no ego no hatred and does not ever have to get even. It only makes things happen for itself and swims in the glory of the love around it.

Shiv (my sonny) hurt his eyes when i poked it by mistake. A simple stupid mistake on my part resulted in him crying for 3 hours straight and a visit to the doctor. The painful outcome for him (even more than the sore eye) was the eye drops prescribed to him. For me it was every time he cried in pain!

I was putting him down for his afternoon nap when he did the sweetest most magical thing. He lifted my tee and while staring at my tummy he said 'baby didi hurt came off for Rambo' and pointed at his sore eye; followed by crying - him and me both! After a while, once the pain n subsided he says 'pain GOOOONE , baby didi pusssh pain in balcony put it in timeout'. Its hard to put in words what i felt at that time!

My mom says the way Shiv talks to his toys he makes them come alive. Its true how a child puts life into everything it touches. A teddy has a name, a car has a color, a doll has a hairstyle and its favorite dress and a bus has its own song.  In Shiv's language, every time I am around my son, 'magic happens'. I pray to God this magic never ceases and I don't ever have to come out of this bubble called mommyhood!

I read an post on FB recently about a dog owner that left his dog on the roads of Delhi in the middle of the winters. The family was moving to UK and did not know what else to do. I wish I could personally whack the daylights out of them in the hopes of putting some sense into their head!!

Its news like this that I find myself unable to come out of. I just cant stop thinking about it!! It makes me wonder if its really possible for people to be so mean, so second-rate and unrelenting about anyone that makes them the center of their universe?? How can one be a dog parent and not understand how incredibly lucky they are to be loved the way they are?? Would they leave their child ont he roads because they cant handle them?

This and the parenting methods of some people makes me wish there was an certification in place for being one. One couple, parents of a 7month old come home after an evening of drinks and are so sleepy that they fail to notice their baby fall out of bed during the night, hurt her head and lose her eye-sight. It does not get more pitiful than this.

I do not proclaim to be the best dog/human parent but I can look anyone in the eye when I say I know the value of a child, human or not! I may not be a perfect parent but i value my children enough to know that they are MY responsibulity and its in my hands to turn my life into bliss or hell in the process of bringing them up. I choose the former and it beaks my heart when it has to happen any other way!

A lot of aspiring pet owners focus on the positive aspects of dog ownership, such as constant company, playing fun games, and having a pet as security for their homes. I would like to say this to anyone who wishes to adopt a pet, PLEASE READ THIS before your make a decision:

• Is everyone in the house in agreement with your decision?
• Can you afford to provide adequate care to the pet before bringing it home? Pets require regular examinations by vets and they need a detailed treatment plan in the event of sickness. make sure that you are fully prepared for such eventualities before you adopt a pet.
• Commitment is a major aspect of being a responsible pet parent. It may mean setting aside things you want to do so as to provide a good life and loving home for your pet.
• Are re you willing train, groom, exercise, feed, and provide companionship?

There is NO difference at all betwen raising a child and raising a pet. Unless you can love them equally do not adopt. You have your life, your job and your family - your pet has only YOU.  He needs your love and care like a fussy toddler vying for attention. He will bark for attention/love/care of you fail to give it to him (and he deserves much more) - Remember he cant speak.

If one dos not have the time, patience and love that a pet or a child requires, please DO NOT spoil their life by bringing  them home. They say that Dogs  are angels that God sent with a note saying 'don't judge, just Love', they ate the note but keep trying to deliver the message! Love them please, they deserve it!!

Do you recognize an angel when you see one? 

If silence is worth a million words, then animals are proof that it is indeed true. Its in the air, their unswerving  love and acceptance of their human parents. No expectations, no ego, no knowledge of whats right and wrong for them - just pure love, its almost divine! In the animal's mind, he/she loves you and that's all that matters. Can we say the same for the supreme human beings we are supposed to be, with that extra sense?

Rocky came into my arms a mere 35 days old and has made me aware of what real LOVE is.  A naughty boy that he is - in times of distress, when I have been hurt or angry - his face on my lap always told me mamma don't worry. He irks me too when he tugs at my feet with a ball in his mouth at the end of a tiring day when all I want to do is rest. But he is such a doll, he gets it and lays down himself.

He is in Pune with his dad now and am in Chennai and I miss him terribly. I miss his vibrant presence, his puppy doggie expressions and his barks for attention. Sometimes i just miss talking to him.Sometimes i miss watching him sleep peacefully while i type away at my laptop.. At other times, I miss watching his face light up at the thought of getting a treat. Its never easy being away from someone you Love.

A hug from you is worth a million unspoken words - Miss you Rocky and cant wait to get to Pune and see you at the door, ball in your mouth wag in your tail - Missing you never gets easier..LOVE you my puppy baby!!!

Moments we live by and for....

Ever have an insanely emotional moment - the ones we assume happen only in mushy movies?; Like watching your baby sound asleep, when you shout at your dog and he still curls up on your lap or when your husband is late for work and runs across the hall for a quick peck on your pregnant  tummy?

In the midst of dodging traffic on the way to work, living up to deadlines and wondering what to make for dinner, we make important decisions. Some of these are simple choices that have the potential to make our lives miserable or fulfilling, depending on how we see it.

I have a 2 yr old son and a baby on the way. I work a full time job which means my son has to go to day care and spends a mere 3 hours at home with me. Do I quit so I can spend more time with him and take better care of him or do I work so I can build a secure future for him? Do I go to mom's so I have less to do at this time or do I stay back as long as possible so my husband does not have to be alone? I dont know!

When my mind is battling all this in the background, my son tugs at my feet and says mamma 'carrayuu' (carry me) and hugs me tight when i do. He even obliges a kiss when I ask for it. Its moments like these that we live by. Every time I sit down with Shiv, Rocky sits on my feet, his back resting on my leg so I caress his head. At this point, nothing matters. I dont care how tired I am or how irritating it is to divide your attention evenly between your dog and your son without hurting either.

There are a million such moments everyday! We are just too tired or stressed out to see them, cliched but true. It pays nothing to feel sorry for yourself or to live in denial. Take a walk, love your family and make evry small kiss, hug and smile count - these are blessings taht only lucky people come by to appreciate.

Am gonna go kiss my sleeping son now, maybe hubby will follow! :D

Stuck on you...

Ever had someone stick to your mind? The one person you cannot forget and always forgive? If I guess right, this person would also be the one that hurt you bad. Someone come to mind? :)

Science and scriptures (any non-science - so many these days) fascinate and answer questions, some of which are beyond the conjuring capacity of  our minds. But there are some things that  happen because they do and there is no psychological or scientific logic to it. Why a mother will kill for her child  without a moment's hesitation while some animals eat their young; how a girl leaves her house of many long years in love with a man she met a year or two ago and calls it her own, how a child automatically lips 'mamma' when he needs something and how we feel incapacitated by our feelings for some people no matter how horrid they really are. 

What about Love? Is it just a whole lot of hormones dong their job? A lover's mind is the ultimate paradox!

No matter what you do or say

I have always been this way

Not your unkempt life 

Nor your empty promises

Have ever had my mind in sway

We just cant seem to get over some people. Our lives go on as usual, husband kid job and the works. It does not imply that we spend hours thinking about them or device plans to stalk them or get them back.But when they call, email or text us, that adrenaline shot is inevitable. We hate them and love them at the same time and will still agree to go out and meet them. Whatever happened to logic, self-esteem and ego, I wish I knew.Some may argue a case of sour grapes but please, I have had better and I aint calling it sour either.

I guess we just let laying dogs be and throw them a bite from time to time! :)

My Daddy & Me

My dad sent me an email today with 2 documents with stories in it. The subject read : 'You can open these using Word'. It made me smile and inspired this post. It also reminded me of how one of my colleagues once told me his little girl was visiting him the coming week. I smiled the very same smile then when he added that his grand-daughter would be bringing her boy-friend along to meet him. Sometimes we foget how cute our fathers really are!! :)

Much is spoken about the mother's love, tenderness and care for her children. I bow to that, being blessed with a mom who is a dream come true. However, it is also true that fathers are as big heroes as moms - its just that its not obvious to the senses.

  My dad with my son

My dad and I were like 2 positive poles - mom said it looked like we had swords in our hands every time we spoke to each other or argued. My opinion was that he did not love me which is why we fought and he never let me do what i wanted. I couldn't stay out late, wear short clothes or speak on the phone after 9pm. My curfew always ended at least 2 hours before that of my friends and it irked me so much! I was SO right and he was SO wrong - is what I though back then.

A few years later, while living alone, I met with an accident in the middle of the night. I woke up in a hospital, adding to my misery was the fact that I wearing a short skirt and people thought I was a 'bad' girl (still a cliche in some parts of India to wear short clothes). I was petrified, my dad was going to kill me!!

My dad n mom flew out on the first flight and took me back home. Nobody asked me why or discussed the 'whats' and the 'ifs' of the situation. They took care of me till I recovered fully. My dad said - I don't want to know how this happened, just promise me you wont do it again! It still brings tears to my eyes and sends jitters down my spine when I think back on this situation in my life. he was SO hurt, not angry, not judgmental not thinking I told you so', just very HURT.

I realize today that I never saw my father's soft side or understood his love for me. I dint see that behind my smiling mom, behind her visits to me that extended to months and the fact that I never had to wish I had something because I already did, was my dad. I did not see that he was not ordering me around but making sure I did not hurt myself when I was grown up, on my own. I realize that had he not grounded me, limited what I could do and have and made sure i was always in my best manners no matter where I was, that I would not be a stable, normal, happy person today. i would not have had the life I have or the relationships I treasure so much.

Times have changed and we get along perfectly well now. We are like good friends. He even sends me stories with instructions on how to open them ;)

My Angel, my Son, my Doggie, my Rocky baby....

Having a pet is one of those things that you just cannot figure out unless you the lucky parent of one. For most, dogs are either scary or they cant imagine for the life of them why someone would have one. I was once one of those...I was petrified of dogs..till i brought home Rocky baby.

It took me almost a year of convincing my husband that I wanted a dog. When the pet shop guy put 6 puppies in the boot of our car for us to look at, one lil fella squeezed in through the back set and conducted 'business' there and stared oops with his Blue eyes. I knew I wanted him!

Being Stallone fans, we named him Rocky (Rambo is my human Son's pet name) and I could hold him in my forearm, he was all of 35 days.

 

I can confidently say now that it was like I just had a baby. Rubber sheets, sleepless nights during which we took turns singing to him, his snuggling up in the bed, constant 'bowowow'. Mainly, he would only sleep when we all had. When left alone for a couple of hours, we would return home wondering what he would have done this time. From pooping in any place to picking up packets from the kitchen to biting my brand new shoes - our ritual consisted of sanitizing/cleaning the house every time we got back home while one person held him and played with him! 

Rocky is 4 years old now and I still cry when he falls sick, feel jitters up my spine every time i hear of a pet passing away, pat him after he has dozed off to sleep and call him my baby doll. I remember his first walk, his first pair of shoes ( that he spent so much time trying t get rd of), his first doggie party, his first prize and how he ran to me every time he called out 'baby'. He loves me for what I am and I am not, rushes to my side when i am home and does not judge me.

Shiv and rocky are like two peas in a pod. I am SO proud of Rocky for how he treats Shiv with soo soo soo much kindness and consideration. I wish Shiv does the same for Rocky soon :)

If there is an afterlife, i pray to God that Rocky is my human son - not because he is any less dear to me than Shiv but because I want to be able to give him anything he wants to eat, have him snuggle up against me every night, call me mamma, to be able to take him out and buy him toys and not have people tell me in parks that dogs are not welcome.

I don't know when or how I got myself a son. My angel, my pet, my Rocky baby - Thank You God for being kind to me!!

Being in a Love-Hate relationship called MOM..

Its one of those things that can make you as frustrated and angry as can make you ecstatic and give you the 'on-the-top-of-the-world feeling. Being a mother (i believe 'good mother' is an oxymoron) is nothing short of a mother-in-law -daughter-in-law comedy inerspersed between mushy movie moments (where love fills the air in the enchanted land of happy people) and always ends in a smile as I tuck Shiv into bed.

I love my son to death and hold him in my heart. He is my first-born and the fuel of my life.

He drives me mad with his energy and settles it all with a fake cry of 'mammma', his hands stretched forward.What can i do other than pick him up and feel sorry for making him cry. As he rests his tiny head on my shoulder and stokes my arm, I know my mommy heart is beating the hell out of my mortal brain.

He comes charging at me from school, strokes my face and stares into my eyes and smiles, says louuu you mamma, recites rhymes while eating half the words, hugs me while resting his head on my chest enveloping me in a giant hug and smiles as soon as he wakes up each morning happy to see me - how can i make sure this little person cannot manipulate me. How do i try to remind myself that just a few minutes back i was fuming mad at his insistence on skipping dinner and the accompanying throw of the spoon landing food all over the table and my jacket.. The answer is 'ha ha nice try'! :)

It amazes me the power than these tiny beings have in our life. How a woman transforms into some thing she never thought she ever would be - patient, unconditional in her love and the ultimate defender of her child. I, for one had the most voracious temper and people wouldn't dare mention patience to me. I will never know where all the stamina and will-power stems from. I will never know how a child can make your parents and husband of many years take second place in life; why i would do it all over again if i had to; How holding him in my arms for the first time made irrelevant 16 hours of labor pains; and at what point i placed my life secondary to that of my son. 

All i know is that he made possible my dream of being a mom and nothing I do or say will ever be enough for that honor. Thank You Shiv for choosing me to be your mother! I louuuu you too! :)

Time to let go..

I regret not the things you never said,
Nor the times we spent laughing together,
I regret the uneasiness i feel now, and,
the empty words that clutter my mind!

I regret not falling in love with you,
Nor our conversations over coffee,
I wish you hadn't made me feel,
the connection that never existed...

I am mad now and sick and tired,
Tired of all the delusions i lived in,
I want to let go, to be unhindered,
In every thought and each feeling

I want to say goodbye now,
To move on, to be strong now,
Break free from this emotional mess,
I don't need your love anymore,
I detach from a surreal life now!