Sunday November 25th will be a day that will be etched in my memories forever. I think a part of me died on this day. It was a day of heartbreak and shaken faith; a day that begged more questions than it provided answers to. No amount of self-control or prep talk seemed to save the day - i knew that this day will break me and there is nothing i can do to stop it.

You know how you wake up on a Sunday, everything is normal and you go about your day like you always do but there is a nagging feeling in your gut that you are working hard to ignore. I don't want to acknowledge that there is something out there that does not feel right - i want my gut to be wrong, for once! 

Then it hits you- but it starts small. I felt like okay, i knew this day would come but it shall be handled. What more than love and faith do i need to get through a day - any day. I realized today that faith is something that once it breaks, it breaks you. It is like the last shred of a rope that you hang on to when everything else is seemingly falling apart. It is like the lat few dollars in your saving account that you know you have should you get broke or the charging pad that you carry around should you phone battery die. When everything that can go wrong, does and it carries with it every backup you have planned, it shatters you and the same faith that you lived your whole entire life holding on to, seems to slowly slip away - that is my version of what hell feels like.

I am not a crier - I have done it so much that now it has lost its value on me. I am not one of the ' i ' have been through so much and therefore i know so much and hence i am special' kind of people. Everyone you know i know, is fighting a battle that only they know about - regardless of how they look, dress, how much money they have or how much they laugh. I just feel like my whole life has been a battleground - divorce, emotional abuse, courts and cases, back breaking car accident, countless meaningless relationships - endless yrs of waiting for this cycle to end. 

I am not perfect but i am a good person - i care about people i love, i used to be able to trust people and treat them well. I just feel like in every stage of my life, i am made to go to battle. Even now, i gave time, i gave space and i was as patient as i could be as a human being. I wonder if my purpose in life is to give and to build and to give others strength; cause its all i seem to do. It feels like its never my turn to get, to be in a position where i can say this is what i want, life is good. I cannot seem to be able to catch a break, life is throwing daggers my way; as soon as i turn my back from one problem - here is another! 

My friends and people who know me well say- Jay you are a strong person and so positive , you will be fine. NO i am not fine. For once i don't want to be strong, i dont want to be the fixer, i dont want to be the one who 'understands' everyone and everything, i do not want to be the person everyone takes for granted because hey she is strong! I dont want to be effing strong i do not want to understand everything i do not want to pep talk anyone i do not want to be the one that gets kicked to the curb because, hey i am strong and i can handle it.

Maybe i should have put my foot down, removed that armor of strength and understanding i wear all the damn time. Maybe i should have not allowed myself to be an option, someone you can lean on and someone you can draw strength from till you can deal with people who dont give you a choice in life.  Maybe i should give myself some of the love that i freely give others. 

I have cried non-stop on this day; it has been a day when tears never stopped forming in my eyes and there was nothing that could stop/change that. I felt miserable,taken for granted and i hated myself for being as understanding as i always am. I wished i had been a little more selfish for myself. I walked around hoping that somehow some air and some music will soothe my stretched out soul. But no, nothing helps today. I lost some of my faith today and i will never get back that part of me that died today - the part that believed in people, the part that whispered ' its gonna be alrite' in my ears , the part that loved endlessly. 

Today changed me as a person - crying till your eyes hurt and your vision is blurry really takes it out of you. I dont think i will be able to be as forgiving and understanding as i was till today. I will work on getting my faith back, but right now it lays here shattered and bruised.  I do not know what is in store for me - and i have nobody to go and hug it out. I hate it and what i hate more is the gut wrenching fact that i am not able to shake it off. 

To breathe to live to understand..

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself, to know you are a good person and that you deserve a good life. Sometimes its important that you realize that not everything will work out the way you wanted it to; that what was meant to be will stay and what was not, you have to let go. Its essential you understand that you don't control everything, that people will love you, betray you, hurt you, make you feel special, love you like crazy and forget you - but it has nothing to do with the person that you are. 

Sometimes you have to tell yourself that you are your own person, that you don't need anybody's approval to be good enough;You have nothing to do with the fact that someone rejected you or took you for granted and that it has everything to do with their own insecurities, emotional conjugations and needs. You should not be the only one fighting for love and if you have to, walk away simply because you want to do yourself the favor of trusting yourself to make the right choices. Sometimes its important you realize that trusting yourself is more important that trusting the choice that others make of you.

Sometimes, you should know that not everything is meant to be; not every relationship is going to become something enduring and beautiful. Some people come into your life to make it better just for that moment, to teach us what we can be, to walk a while with us to ease our pain, to sit over drinks and spill our hearts to, to show us that we are beautiful and worthy of love, to make the minutes that we are together something we will never forget and to teach you to love yourself. Some may stay some may leave but you have to keep going and be thankful for what they have given you.

Sometimes you look at a beautiful, wealthy woman dressed to the tee, maids in tow, beautiful children, handsome husband riding in the car of your dreams; maybe she looks like she is living the life of your dreams. Only she knows the battles she is fighting; that the perfect mascara does no justice to her sad eyes, that her red lipstick only reflects how dark and deep her life is, that she is so beautiful she doesn't need makeup but only makeup can hide the lines under her eyes; only she knows her inner demons. I have stopped judging people and their lives by how they look; it does no justice. Unless you have walked in the shoes, don't blame the heels for the pain!

Sometimes its hard to hide, to pretend that everything is rosy, to smile when you don't want to, to march on when all you want to do is break down and cry, to show strength when you feel like you will collapse. I guess you have to un-hide, stop trying to be that ideal person (mom/wife/friend,daughter, employee...), start knowing that all that stress is a result of hiding. Allow yourself the freedom to be weak, to cry when you are sad and to brace up when you have to. Its not easy and I know it!

Sometimes you have to remind yourself - I may not be the best, but I am trying my best!

Oh sweet sister of mine...

Having a sister is like having a pet - you have no clue how much it magnifies the quality of your life till you have one. My sister - my twin soul, my personal psychiatrist cum counselor, my mom sometimes, my BFF and most definitely my soul mate - I miss her so much!

Your eyes they see my fears
Your hands break my fall
You hear not only my words
Your heart, it feels my soul!

Oh, I wanna be with you
No husband no children
All alone, just me and you
Life would be perfect then!

I wanna tell you i miss u
That i cant wait to kiss you
Hug you till my heart is full
I wanna tell you i love you!

I wanna have coffee with you
Cook your favorite food for you
I wanna light up a smoke for you
Oh i just wanna be with you..

I wanna lay down next to you
I miss chatting all night with you
Meaninglessly laughing with you
I SO miss holding your finger
I miss sleeping next to you!

My sister my friend my heartbeat
Life would be so boring without you
I miss not having you down the street
I hate living so far away from you!

You get me like nobody ever has
You care for me like i am a baby
You catch my lies, u r badass (;) yes you are)
You don't judge me, u let me be..

You hear the noise in my silence
Feel the hurt behind my strength
Only you can make full sense
Of all i do, in all its lengths..

I thank God for you, hope he showers his choicest blessings on you. I hope he moves you out of that stupid continent, right where i can be with you! Muah! :)

I wish you  would go away
Forget me leave me alone
But with me you always stay
Leaving me sad and forlorn

 You linger around like a cloud
And I just cant shake you off
Oh you must feel so proud
Wish you would just take off!

You have been around so much
that you now feel like a friend
Its a very hard feeling as such
But your time you always lend..

Oh misery,my good old friend
For just a while i ask thee
Can you someone else find
And stay away from me!

To breathe to live to understand..

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself, to know you are a good person and that you deserve a good life. Sometimes its important that you realize that not everything will work out the way you wanted it to; that what was meant to be will stay and what was not, you have to let go. Its essential you understand that you don't control everything, that people will love you, betray you, hurt you, make you feel special, love you like crazy and forget you - but it has nothing to do with the person that you are. 

Sometimes you have to tell yourself that you are your own person, that you don't need anybody's approval to be good enough;You have nothing to do with the fact that someone rejected you or took you for granted and that it has everything to do with their own insecurities, emotional conjugations and needs. You should not be the only one fighting for love and if you have to, walk away simply because you want to do yourself the favor of trusting yourself to make the right choices. Sometimes its important you realize that trusting yourself is more important that trusting the choice that others make of you.

Sometimes, you should know that not everything is meant to be; not every relationship is going to become something enduring and beautiful. Some people come into your life to make it better just for that moment, to teach us what we can be, to walk a while with us to ease our pain, to sit over drinks and spill our hearts to, to show us that we are beautiful and worthy of love, to make the minutes that we are together something we will never forget and to teach you to love yourself. Some may stay some may leave but you have to keep going and be thankful for what they have given you.

Sometimes you look at a beautiful, wealthy woman dressed to the tee, maids in tow, beautiful children, handsome husband riding in the car of your dreams; maybe she looks like she is living the life of your dreams. Only she knows the battles she is fighting; that the perfect mascara does no justice to her sad eyes, that her red lipstick only reflects how dark and deep her life is, that she is so beautiful she doesn't need makeup but only makeup can hide the lines under her eyes; only she knows her inner demons. I have stopped judging people and their lives by how they look; it does no justice. Unless you have walked in the shoes, don't blame the heels for the pain!

Sometimes its hard to hide, to pretend that everything is rosy, to smile when you don't want to, to march on when all you want to do is break down and cry, to show strength when you feel like you will collapse. I guess you have to un-hide, stop trying to be that ideal person (mom/wife/friend,daughter, employee...), start knowing that all that stress is a result of hiding. Allow yourself the freedom to be weak, to cry when you are sad and to brace up when you have to. Its not easy and I know it!

I may not be the best, but I am trying my best!